Blocked.

Comment - Hanna C. Nes

3 days into being back in Oslo, I ran into the Scandi, he of fraudulent-art-ChatGPT-philandering-fame (if you didn’t grab your copy of our annual magazine, what are you even doing with your life?). Lo and behold, there he was, waddling his way to Forskningsparken. I could sense that his mere presence provoked a rage that lay dormant deep within my body, an earth shattering desire to wring him by the neck. How could this boy-man, clad in his jaunty little coat and possessing an angelic face reminiscent of the Gerber baby, be the coming of the antichrist? In the immortal words of Nora Ephron’s When Harry Met Sally: “It's amazing. You look like a normal person, but actually you are the angel of death.” And yet - I had a strong urge to message him about grabbing a coffee. A truce of sorts. It must have been for both his sake and mine that I swiftly blocked him on Instagram last year. God bless.

Photo Credit: CBS. Edited by Hanna C. Nes

I’ve recently become a proponent of removing and (maybe more ruthlessly) blocking on social media. With accessibility comes convenience, an effortlessness and immediacy never apparent before in our communication habits prior to the 21st century. The 18th century didn’t see “i miss u” messages at 3am or strategically timed birthday wishes that Trojan Horse’d a longer exchange. Say what you want about the advent of the phone in the 20th century, at least the landline answering machine offered some form of escape from unwanted greetings. Like, imagine if Jesse and Céline had Instagram in Before Sunrise (1995)? “You still good for Dec 16?” Wouldn’t really hold that 90s analog romance je-ne-sais-quoi, would it?

Nancy K. Baum writes in Personal Connections in the Digital Age that “the increased amount of mediated interaction seems to threaten the sanctity of our personal relationships. On the other, new media offer the promise of more opportunity for connection with more people, leading to stronger and more diverse relationships.” (1) She continues, asserting that “our autonomy is increasingly constrained by the expectation that we can be reached for communication anytime, anywhere, and we will owe an appropriate and timely response” (4). Although she writes in a general sense, this is certainly applicable to our intimate lives. It’s a finicky situation, figuring out the appropriate reaction to a soured dynamic, whether that sentiment is returned or not. Sure, ghosting is always an option…but is it?

In a 2021 study entitled “Young Adults' Romantic Investment Behaviors on Social Media”, a group of 1521 young people between 18 and 29 years old were asked questions about their social media habits in relationship initiation and dissolution. It’s somewhat obvious that research concluded that “young adults are also likely using social media as a tool to reopen contact with their (ex)partners” (824) but the nitty gritty of these findings are fascinating (albeit the study being overwhelmingly heterosexual with 87% of participants identifying as so). Straight women and queer folks of any gender were more likely to engage in ‘disinvestment behaviors’ - which could be “deleting all or some photos of the ex-partner from one's profile, deleting all sexy photos of the ex-partner, unfriending the ex-partner, unfriending the ex-partner's friends and family, and blocking the ex-partner on social media” (832). On the other hand, straight men were more likely to engage in investment behavior after a dissolution, and “experience sexual omission regret including ‘the one who got away’ phenomenon (Webster et al., 2020), which may manifest as reaching out to former partners” (835). Are we surprised? ARE WE SURPRISED, HMM?!?!

Another study, “‘It Doesn’t Feel Like You Can Win’: Young Women's Talk About Heterosexual Relationships”, found that some women in the focus group “understood the pressure to silence or self-suppress [...] [through] the need to embody this ‘cool’ girl persona, a mask skillfully worn in an attempt to maintain a relationship” (134). Apparent within discussions was that the “teetering between ‘clingy’ and ‘cool’ was difficult and frustrating [...] a tension between being communicative and ‘dramatic’ especially at the beginning of a relationship, and not being too much too soon” (137-138). The 2010s Cool Girl epidemic played a major part in an increasing societal pressure for women (primarily) to be casual and approachable once an intimate entanglement met its end and boy, that has indeed trickled down to our social media selves. The ability to maintain a “friendship” with exes and past situationships still connotes a supposed maturity, an ability to move past the hurt and resentment that festered for others. But is it in actuality a bullshit setting aside of issues, tinged with the misogynistic fear of coming off as a “crazy girl” or “difficult”?

I find that this applies to both our flesh & blood and online persona, as the maintenance of a direct line of communication expresses a certain degree of “chill”. By roleplaying adulthood, we grab coffee with an ex (to “catch up” and “get closure” when it’s really the thrill of a dopamine hit) and lurk in each other’s insta stories as a way of keeping tabs (why do you keep liking my stories, random boy in Barcelona, no lo comprendo?!). Sure, you can DM me anytime you want, gain a glimpse into whatever I post, respond to the memes I share, and conjure up your own interpretation of the person that I present myself as online - but all of these things are in actuality privileges. You’re not entitled to it and I can snatch it away from you at any moment. To quote Oprah’s memeified chat with Meghan Markle: “were you silent or were you silenced?” Have I bastardized the original context of this uttering? Indeed. But the Ms. O’s question still provides what I think is one of the most important distinctions with digital communication. As much as I love having the last word and thrusting a metaphorical wrench in someone who has scorned me, or maintaining an air of being Interesting & Cultured online hoping the moth will come to the light, sometimes the best thing is cutting the possibility of any signal coming through.

So yes, give me that emotional enema which is shutting down those channels. Close down shop. Sever the lines. Unfolloweth, restricteth, blocketh. Didn’t they say out of sight, out of mind?

Works Cited:

Baym, Nancy K.. Personal Connections in the Digital Age. 2nd ed., Polity, 2015.

Marcotte, Alexandra S., et al. “Young Adults' Romantic Investment Behaviors on Social Media.” Personal Relationships, vol. 28, no. 4, 2021, pp. 822–839.

Samardzic, Tanja, et al. “‘It Doesn’t Feel Like You Can Win’: Young Women's Talk About Heterosexual Relationships.” Psychology of Women Quarterly, vol. 47, no. 1, 2023, pp. 127–143.